long fall

10 minutes ago is why I wear diapers to bed. It's not because I had an "accident", as those are usually "on-purposes", I didn't make my imaginary daddy upset and now i'm kept in diapers, nope. I didn't goto bed in diapers last night because there was nobody to make me, and after this morning I kinda understand that even without a daddy, I better stay in my diapers.

I had a really long dream, something about japan and cheese platters, all in a very elegant Nakatomi plaza building. I remember seeing clowns in a microscope, like there were 4 elements, water, fire, earth, and clown. Clowns don't really bother me, it was a more rudimentary fear that this dream triggered. Multiple times in the dream I rode a massive elevator, one that reaches insane heights, It's familiar because I have visited in my dreams before. I don't like to talk about scary dreams, I think they are like a virus how they spread, I'm opening up about them now because I must, to help myself and maybe other dreamers.

The elevator malfunctions the same way everytime. It gets to the very top (it's one of those elevators on the outside of a building, the shape of a large pill capsule) and goes too far up, pauses and jitters, then extends above the building for a moment and then tips off, falling until the rushing lights and sounds and g-forces become breaking glass, test pattern and tone. I'm writing this with the dream fresh in my mind, I remember every moment of it, the realization of the broken elevator, the uncertainty, the tipping, the feeling of falling... I've always been afraid of heights, rollercoasters, the feeling of falling, I often take the stairs. It's a pretty legit fear for me, both suffering from the vertigo of heights but also because I'm afraid I'm going to jump.

I remember being in Arizona, age 9, I had just heard Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time and was afraid of everything, parents divorced and living place to place, all my stuffed animals miles away, the bottom of the canyon didn't seem so bad. The curiosity of it scared me, i've always stood up to the external forces in the world because bullies, stepfathers and hate-filled people are not the biggest fear, it's how you can destroy yourself if you let them effect you. My family has had a number of suicides,  one as young as 14 years old. I was dealt a pretty jaded hand in the sanity department, but that's where all the good artists come from, right? Right?

I'm going to cut my anxious ramblings short here and get to the point. When I woke up I was naked, my bear was no longer in my arms, it was dark and I was alone. I went to sleep without a diaper because I have some being sent, but they haven't arrived yet. I didn't wear a pull-up because I forgot and was really sleepy, though I did remember to brush my teeth like a good girl. Waking up was awful, I was thoroughly shaken by my recent 100-story descent, I found my bear, checked my twitter, grabbed my glasses and noticed something rather special. I could barely see it but I had left my curtains open and was welcome to a view of a shiny star, just one hanging in the air. This little discovery became my world, I was quick to shake off the lingering cobwebs of my nightmare and make a wish on that star... my brain worked quickly, "a good job w/ benefits" (no, I can find that on my own) "to be able to transition properly, SRS and such" (that's pretty good, but you're already halfway there) "Someone to Love, to hold me when i'm scared" (that's the one).

I made my wish, you don't see stars in NYC or even in Hollywood, it's nice to feel connected to them again, though it may have been a Delta flight into Van Nuys but it was big and shiny and got me to stop thinking about falling to my death. Like any good plant, animal or mineral, it helped distract me from the negative and focus on the positive. Waking up in diapers would have had much of the same effect, that happy feeling of belonging, of comfort and the reminder of who I am, of the moment. I need to be kept in my diapers I think, just in case I have any more bad dreams.

I'll end this post with a Jackson-Browne song, the first thing I listened to this morning to break the silence of the morning. It makes me think, we can't choose what experiences come out in our dreams, nor can we know what of it qualifies as nightmare fuel, at least until we close our eyes. I've always struggled with the internal workings of my brain, a tough life and a healthy dose of dysphoria i'm sure don't help. I've tried to make the best of it through this life I live, or at least that's what i'm wishing on whatever lights I see in the sky.

I'm ok, I just need to wear my diapers to bed just to make sure I'm protected from whatever bumps in the night. Thanks for reading, more stuff soon. Pictures and videos and stuff, I hope you enjoy my thoughts over a morning tea, be well internet :)