that right moment

I was walking down my old neighborhood in Hollywood the other day, feeling a bit lost. I had my headphones on, Flaming Lips were talking about the animals at the zoo on christmas and my sweater was starting to get that moldy smell from it being hot and rainy at the same time. I was assessing the hole I'd found myself in, a mostly useless and compulsive exercise... I moved my toungue inside my head, it'd be good to see a dentist again soon... you need rent also... what should I buy at the store... I really should get back to X about Y and I've left Z hanging over email... that idle mental inventory we take when there's no angry birds to distract us. Something did manage to break my little commiseration cycle, but it wasn't a bird, it was a Cat.

I grew up listening to folk music, it's one of the only things that my father and I relate on. It's funny how things can pierce your psyche and shift your mood, like a funky bass track out of nowhere or when the beat drops at the right moment on the right song. I had heard this Cat Stevens song, DryWood before but never registered it, i'm not saying it's a great song and you just *have to* listen to it, but it's a song that rocked my world in a really positive way. The funky 70's cop-show intro got me interested, but hearing the inspirations words of the song, the 'you can overcome anything' and life is hard but you're harder, it all just took priority of my brain. I threw out the cigarette in my hand and with a deep breath, I forgave my father. As much as he fucked everything up and never cared, i'm standing here walking down the street listening to Cat Stevens with a big smile on my face, he may not have taught me to be a legitimate person but at least he gave me some of the tools.

It was a pedophile, "the Dr.", who taught me how to shave, Seinfeld episodes taught me the birds and bees, bullies at school who taught me to be tough. My dad was mostly absent and I deal with it, he never knew how to be a good dad and I don't blame him for it, maybe he never picked up on these lyrics like I did? I had this same realization with my mother but years ago, after the Dr. and I went our separate ways, my mom is slightly better at showing feelings than my dad. And yes, I have "huge daddy issues"and that's why i've done sex work, because everything is that simple... I don't think searching out a loving and nurturing relationship with an older man is entirely sick and twisted, I think fondly of the power structure of the classic 50's household structure, just instead of homemaking i'm filmmaking and the workshop in the basement is for building kinky furniture not birdhouses. I have a strong desire for the approval & attention that comes from being someones little subby girl, and if that comes from a lonely childhood then so be it, the ends are all that matter still, the means have long past.

I wore my diapers to bed last night and didn't have any bad dreams. Bear and I slept like babies...

I'll finish this post with the first 4 lines of the aforementioned song, I looked these up this morning and it made me giggle, I guess it was the "padded" that made my ears perk up.

You've got to learn, to brighten up your ways
Kick out your dull padded life
There's much to know, and no doors in space
They were only mirrors you imagined in your mind 

Thanks for reading, more stuff soon <3 br="br">