everyday dreams

Hello friends! This is your little girl Riley, all done with her Disney adventure :) Its been a busy couple weeks, I won't bother you with my recent sickness, the issues with my apartment, family stress, all the little things that have caused my posts to stretch in frequency. I know you care, I just would rather talk about the happy things happening now, not the stresses over this last month. I'll sum it up with a song lyric...

the best trapeze artists perform with no nets

no one ever won a jackpot off a gentleman's bet

you wake up from your best dream just to find your bed wet

what life ever comes without a hint of regret?

-nana grizol

Thats enough of that, just know that I am well and we'll move on to the crinkles, cuddles and conversation. I spent the weekend shooting "on location", you've probably seen this room before. I love the pink walls and mirrors and I always have lots of little girl fun. I like being a little girl in my footies and jumpers, I like being a princess or a fairy or a babykitty in my costumes, but I also like just being in diapers. There are all sorts of fun ways to be a diaper girl, today's pictures are just a young lady in everyday jeans, hoody and Tinkerbell pull-ups in place of panties.

I can't help but pose, smile, purrrrr in my kids-aisle jeans and paper thin sweater... this little Riley has been feeling very cute lately. When I walk by anything that holds my reflection I no longer shy away or groan, that feels good. I try not to be tooooo image oriented, I don't photoshop the blemishes out of my photos, I don't like unattainable image standards that airbrushing promotes. I feel it's good to embrace who we are and work to make ourselves better, not photoshop away our uniqueness. That's my personal standard, other people i'm sure get less serious (SRS) about their image stuff... I do like over-the-top photoshops and pasties, those are often pretty cool. To my point, I'll keep it real when I produce content but give me a little credit, I'm still VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY BODY... but I know I have value outside my cuteness, so why not throw caution into the cute wind and put myself out there, raw and honest. Beauty is subjective, fragile, unique, something that changes but never grows old, I wouldn't want to accidentally photoshop out my inner beauty :0

I know a smooth face and curves don't make the woman, but they sure feel nice :) Its waking up as a girl that makes me happiest Every morning for much of my life I woke with a scruffy face, seeing these dark hairs growing out of my pale skin was a constant reminder that my physiology had failed me, my brains didn't match my body or whatever. I don't claim to know what the explanation of my dysphoric feelings are, my Y's not turning to X's, my brain having the wrong map of my body, i'm not even counting out the concept of a girls *soul* in a boys body, who knows? Now, there is the issue of medical transition and SRS (serious), that's a biological issue and i'll team up with science to take care of that, but now what about the issue of identity? That's where the conversation gets interesting, exciting, beautiful. Kate Bornstein said "you've got to be insane to call a rainbow black and white", and I really feel that's the biggest issue. Binaries don't exist when you're talking about the human experience, we are beautifully complicated individuals.

We are aligned with these groups, male/female, Horde/Alliance, Democratic/Republican, the heavily invested reinforce these binaries, unconcerned that these groups compartmentalize and restrict us. To the victor goes the spoils, leaving a disenfranchised minority and a guilty majority. Throughout history women didn't get rights because the ruling class of men were happy with patriarchy, just as one color is oppressed while another color is in power.  Those who fear open gender expression are often the same cats who feel they have something to lose, be it machismo, privilege or something else entirely. I will never understand how another person expressing themselves is threatening to some, but we need to get over that as individuals, as compassionate human beings, and the rest of the world will follow.

All I can do is BE. I am BEing a girl, I chose my alignment as "Girl" and I know it closes doors, but I'm going to define being a girl for myself. I've always been an editor over innovator, and instead of forging a new gender identity i'm going to make this one my own. This isn't some binary existence, this is Real Life, we can break out of those roles, we can become them, we can rewrite them. I take hormones and chose this path because its whats right with me. I'm not a Zhe or a Xe,  i'm a Riley, a she, and though my gender expression is very fluid, I prefer "girl" over "genderqueer/genderfluid" etc. Breaking down the walls doesn't make the two sides go away, as long as I live there will always be girls/boys, lets just work towards adding and excepting the "other". 

I'm pretty happy with the confusion and forced allegory here, fervent gender studies juxtaposed with pictures of me in wet soggy pull-ups are the kinds of posts I like to make :) I look forward to more tinkerbell diaper pics along with UnderJams, Goodnites BedMats and other exciting stuff! Hugs! More soooooonnnnn!!!