Hey there friends <3
Here's another long post, I've been doing video but not happy with much of it, bear with me! This isn't a depressive post, but there's some depressing bits. I think we all need to get sad now and then, it makes the happy better. Today is 3 years of Hormones and 6 months of Hollywood, a bit of reflection is due. I'm happy, but also a little sad. My fingers are typing to the rhythm of this song, all about little sadnesses and happinesses, how they come and go, like having a cat you love and then watching it slowly die, 1 month of sadness for a lifetime of love, a little sad in the big happy.
Have I told you about the big & little sads and happies?
It's how I imagine my personal struggle, see, there's sads and happys, both big and little. A little sad would be stubbing your toe, a friend passing away, the constant rejections we face as humans. A little happy would be delicious Thai food, sex, a really cool part of a video game. We all experience the little sads and happys, but not everyone feels the bigs.
I feel like I'm living the big happy. I'm pretty happy with who I am, I feel good somewhere deep down, I know inside me there is a light that never goes out. I have lots of little sads and happies in my life, I'm still recovering from a nasty burn which has kept me from modeling, I have bad dreams and feel really lonely sometimes... I struggle with little sads, but I have the BIG HAPPY. I push through.
I once had the big sad with little happies, I hated myself and felt I couldn't be loved, my little happies were food, drugs, danger, the approval of others. If I didn't find the big happy, I would have killed myself. For dysphoric transpeople, failing isn't being broke or dropping out of school or not having a ton of friends, failure is death, it's suicide, that's what we're up against. Transitioning saved my life, I don't think about that big sad anymore, only the little ones.
So I'm happy, and working to reduce the little sads in my life. As much as I'd love to pretend my life is all figured out, its more important to be honest. I can't be the only person who feels they could do more, who looks at their hands and goes "what should I do with these?" I'm not the only person who sometimes is too anxious to go outside, i'm not the only person riddled with regrets, or whos youth is starting to fade. I guess it helps to know other people are having a tough time too, I didn't choose an easy path. When little me went to Christian school, I remember a poster with a cartoon Jesus standing in front of two paths. One was golden, shiny and easily traversed, the road to hell, where one was craggly, dirty and filled with demons, the road to heaven. I don't bother with the afterlife, so I find this as a good allegory for the big sad and the big happy. If I wouldn't have "come out" about my gender identity, I'd probably have more little happies (money, sex with vaginas, stability), but I would have the big sad. The walls could come crashing down someday later in life or I would just become a sociopath and turn off my brain entirely.
If you feel kept apart from the things you love, there's always a chance to change your scene! I believe that the big happy is just waiting out there for everyone, it comes with enlightenment, health, love, companionship, and it starts with you. Realize that inside you is the power to change your life, overcome a negative habit, stretch, explore your body, your spirituality (if that's your thing), take a chance, smile at people, give out Warm Fuzzies! Being good to others helps me overcome some of the negativity I have towards myself, try that! Try SuperBetter, try Chai Tea! Yoda was bullshitting when he said there is no try, Suzanne was right to do anything once & try anything twice <3
Scattered post, I know, but I wanted to share the things buzzing around my head before things get too good and I forget what it's like to be sad <3 I know there's always going to be sad, both of my parents are still alive, that means I have at least 2 sad moments in my life coming up, and I think i'll be ready for any tears that come my way. I was a depressed youth, I had trouble showing emotion, it took me a long time to learn how to smile, now I'm learning how to cry <3
More video soon! Thanks for reading <3
It's how I imagine my personal struggle, see, there's sads and happys, both big and little. A little sad would be stubbing your toe, a friend passing away, the constant rejections we face as humans. A little happy would be delicious Thai food, sex, a really cool part of a video game. We all experience the little sads and happys, but not everyone feels the bigs.
I feel like I'm living the big happy. I'm pretty happy with who I am, I feel good somewhere deep down, I know inside me there is a light that never goes out. I have lots of little sads and happies in my life, I'm still recovering from a nasty burn which has kept me from modeling, I have bad dreams and feel really lonely sometimes... I struggle with little sads, but I have the BIG HAPPY. I push through.
I once had the big sad with little happies, I hated myself and felt I couldn't be loved, my little happies were food, drugs, danger, the approval of others. If I didn't find the big happy, I would have killed myself. For dysphoric transpeople, failing isn't being broke or dropping out of school or not having a ton of friends, failure is death, it's suicide, that's what we're up against. Transitioning saved my life, I don't think about that big sad anymore, only the little ones.
So I'm happy, and working to reduce the little sads in my life. As much as I'd love to pretend my life is all figured out, its more important to be honest. I can't be the only person who feels they could do more, who looks at their hands and goes "what should I do with these?" I'm not the only person who sometimes is too anxious to go outside, i'm not the only person riddled with regrets, or whos youth is starting to fade. I guess it helps to know other people are having a tough time too, I didn't choose an easy path. When little me went to Christian school, I remember a poster with a cartoon Jesus standing in front of two paths. One was golden, shiny and easily traversed, the road to hell, where one was craggly, dirty and filled with demons, the road to heaven. I don't bother with the afterlife, so I find this as a good allegory for the big sad and the big happy. If I wouldn't have "come out" about my gender identity, I'd probably have more little happies (money, sex with vaginas, stability), but I would have the big sad. The walls could come crashing down someday later in life or I would just become a sociopath and turn off my brain entirely.
If you feel kept apart from the things you love, there's always a chance to change your scene! I believe that the big happy is just waiting out there for everyone, it comes with enlightenment, health, love, companionship, and it starts with you. Realize that inside you is the power to change your life, overcome a negative habit, stretch, explore your body, your spirituality (if that's your thing), take a chance, smile at people, give out Warm Fuzzies! Being good to others helps me overcome some of the negativity I have towards myself, try that! Try SuperBetter, try Chai Tea! Yoda was bullshitting when he said there is no try, Suzanne was right to do anything once & try anything twice <3
Scattered post, I know, but I wanted to share the things buzzing around my head before things get too good and I forget what it's like to be sad <3 I know there's always going to be sad, both of my parents are still alive, that means I have at least 2 sad moments in my life coming up, and I think i'll be ready for any tears that come my way. I was a depressed youth, I had trouble showing emotion, it took me a long time to learn how to smile, now I'm learning how to cry <3
More video soon! Thanks for reading <3
Hi There riley Just want to pass by and say that somehow i am Just feeling a little the same but that is good as it means nome of us is alone... Right?
ReplyDeletehope you get better soon... Ok!
kissess
Sign.: vp
Thank you Riley, this post is really enlightening^^ I hope you'll find happiness wherever you are... I wish you luck^^
ReplyDeleteHUGS<3