love or light or heat whatever

My tummy hurts! I ate a bunch of bad food yesterday and now my tummy is unhappy with me :(

I am headed further West this afternoon to meet with a friend, goto the beach & take lots of photos. I'm even going to wear some crinkles under my cute little shorts :P 

I'll be busy until Monday at least, wish me clear skin and good lighting.

Everybody seems to be shacking up these days. This likely sounds like old hat to you, loneliness is a recurring theme on this blog, in my life. I have friends, lovers but nobody wants to "buy the cow", and those who do are married, flaky, not in a good place in their lives or a million miles away. It's even worse when they are all 4. I'm assuming that people meet each other at school, their jobs, through friends or through dating sites. Well, it's tough being of non-normative gender, a well-known fetishist and in a town where you don't really have a friend base. I went to a party to make new friends the other night, it was boring and the host felt he needed to make it clear that he wasn't attracted to "Men or TG", which was largely unsolicited. I've been to a ton of parties in my time, and this was one of the most awful, that's what I get for being excited about something.

Most guys I meet love the *idea* of dating a transgirl or a diaper girl, but when one is sitting across the table from them it seems to be too much. Maybe i'm too much? Maybe I'm the one who is awful and undatable, not these men? Since getting on a more positive vibe over the last few weeks, therapy etc, I've been feeling more open about things like dating. Naturally my first few attempts have been the emotional equivalent of one of those electric flyswatter paddles to the testicles, so I'm going to stop trying for a little while. I've been focusing more on me, job hunting and staying sober, wearing diapers and making more content. I've even started volunteering more and working closer with GJLA, which is super important to me. I've gone from looking for a job I want to looking for any job, I can make it freelance, but it's been almost 3 years since I had a normal job, it's about time to get back into the workforce and start enjoying things like benefits, buying a car, socialization etc.

I'm not ABDreams or Aunt Elli, I'm not in this community for money, I'm not a series of models and photographers selling a certain reality. The folks who have been reading this site for years know that i'm here to enlighten myself and others, to expand our understanding of this experience and to grow as littles and as people. This keeps me going, knowing that myself and others are not just here to make a quick buck or draw attention to ourselves, but we're actually building a conceptual foundation for a new and fascinating human behavior. We're not drawing lines or putting others down to lift ourselves up, we're learning to accept ourselves and the many "taboo" aspects of this experience. When I feel lonely, when I see these diaper girls with their boyfriends, I do feel a bit of jealousy... but where I may not snuggle up every night with the same lover, but I know I'm in bed with some wonderful minds in the AB/DL world. I can and will namedrop, but for now you cats know who you are. Thanks for reminding me that this scene isn't just cold feeted guys and pretty cis-girls on pedestals.

Bit of a morning rant I know, but I wanted to share that 'm going to actually have some diaper fun this weekend & take a ton of new pics. I'll even have a chance for some cuddles... this little girl may not need a partner or people around all the time, but she sure needs a little love or light or heat now and then. I've got so much love to give to the right person... I sometimes feel that right person for me, that soulmate, fell down a well or went off to war and never came back, that i'm forever a lost soul in an empty fishbowl. I guess if I were a poet i'd try to convince myself and others of this, but really, I just attract a percentage of a percentage of the world and have to be patient. 

I'm sure there's a Beatles quote about loving yourself before anyone else can love you, probably one from Paul. Hugs, more stuff soon, thanks for listening :)