little girl things

I've been a girl for a while now, after 15 years of boyhood, I started dressing in private. A few years later I started expressing myself as a girl in public. At 20 years I changed my name, at 21 I identified myself as a different gender than on my birth certificate, at 23 I started hormones, at 26 I bought a new backpack.

It's funny, the little things. It's the little things that get you when your weren't paying attention, and a little thing got me today. As a teenager I rode motorcycles, my mom and stepdad were big into them, I took the classes and got my licsence, spent a couple paychecks on a 500 Rebel and started riding. It was great, i'm a lifelong cyclist and motorcycles were the logical next step. Eventually I took a trip down to Warped tour 03' in San Francisco, and that's the last time I took a bike, I sold it that day. I realized it wasn't my abilities I had to fear, but other drivers, at 5'2 and 110 lbs I would have been mist in a bad accident, almost dropping my bike on the bay bridge was enough to end my motorcycling career forever.

I had this black and lime green jacket that I donated, a helmet that went back to my stepdad, an ego that was a bit bruised and a backpack, a black and grey great, great, great backpack that I still wear to this day, well, maybe not this day. I was walking by a sports authority wearing my beaten up backpack,, and the penny-pincher I am noticed a Clearance sign inside the store. I saw some cute backpacks, and thought "I'm colorful, I should have a colorful backpack too!" I went inside, made sure my iPad fit, and bought it for $12, retail price $49.99. I basically won't buy anything unless it's on sale, story of my life.

So I have a cute new backpack. Whenever I wore the old backpack, I had trouble feeling like a girl, not because it wasn't pretty or adorned with flowers, but it was something that I had worn when I was being gendered as male. Transition isn't one of biology, of mentality, of clothes, of genitalia, it's alllllll of it and more, it's redefining yourself along your own lines. I like flowers, color, "pretty things", it's my style, I love dark, angry, fearful things, I like evening gowns and leather too, but I don't like to express myself that way often in my clothing. Added note, not a big fan of precious metals or designer clothes , into designing a unique style, recycling clothing.

It takes a looooong time to transition. To see it as a binary, as a beginning and an end, is faulty in my mind, I see getting SRS as a landmark, but I'm always changing, learning, defining myself, changing out old pieces of me for shiny new ones. The zipper may break on this backpack and I'll have to go back to the old one, I may find a better one, it could be stolen by a lover or a freak in the streets, the backpack doesn't make me more of a girl, but I made it part of the rich tapestry which is my self-expression, and it feels good right now.

Next time I go to the coffee shop to answer emails, I'll have my cute little flower backpack on, myself and others will feel the smile on my face from that little extra color I bring into the room, and then we'll all fade into the background and go along our way. I'll keep smiling <3