further thoughts

I wrote this last Tuesday, NELIcon granted me a moment of clarity and got me thinking about where i've been, where i'm at and where i'm going. I was in a fantastic mood.

-
I'm in Brooklyn right now, making my friends jealous, but I'm the one who's been having (burning) jealousy issues. I'm sure everyone feels this way sometimes, especially we creative types, and the recent (burning) issues are surely attached to my blossoming femininity. I see transgirls further along than myself, girls and boys cuter than me, younger than me, people who have found their partners, people who (i imagine/assume) have had things better than me. Jealousy gets my feelings all a flutter, and instead of feeling glad for them, I felt upset that I wasn't them or that I didn't have the same advantages. These feelings lead to a chest-tightening fluster that is often felt but never expressed, it's overwhelming, it's called depression or anxiety or stinkin' thinkin' or whatever. I'd say by the end of my weekend at NELIcon I didn't so much feel that way.

I had a moment of clarity this weekend, and I haven't felt the (burning) jealousy since. I came to realize we're all in this together, and I left Jersey feeling proud of those who came out and were a part of the event. I've yet to be a member of a community that lacks pretension (which in many ways the cause of jealousy) but being surrounded by "my people" and such positive feelings that I feel like many of my insecurities have washed away, leaving me renewed, empowered. I'm inspired to support others, as opposed to secretly mull over differences, this is what a family must feel like, to have advantages that many never had to be happy for them, unconditionally.
-

it's thursday now, I've been back from NYC for a week... still kinda floundering when it comes to my next step... i'll be checking out Toronto, then likely back to NYC, it seems like things could be good for me there. Recharging my batteries, editing video, still pretty down and out with a cold, it's windy and chilly... I can't wait for spring.

aaaand so i'll end this with a couple little pictures, the other half of my nursery <3 I'm taking more pictures and stuff, feeling sexy, girly, curvy <3 more stuff soon <3