long weekend

Wow... I can't believe it's monday, it feels like this weekend just wouldn't end! I've been doing some "winter preparedness" stuff around where I'm housesitting and I am pretty worn out, but last night I had a chance to get all back into little girl mode :)

It's easy to forget how I feel about diapers and being little, I forget how lovely it is, I forget how much it centers me. I forget that for the rest of my life diapers and I will be linked, even if only by search results. I did that for a reason, to both "come out" and to avoid the binge-purge cycle, I want to always acknowledge my love of diapers and have happy feelings about them. When I was younger I was worried about my love of diapers, I felt awful about it and feared that I would like them for the rest of my life, that I would never be normal and always have to hide and never be able to look people in the eyes. Shame, the shame of it all, theres not a shame bone left in my body. There's a few regret bones, I've made some poor decisions in my life but I chalk those up to selfishness or missed opportunities, part of growing up is learning from mistakes, not feeling shame about your actions.

Seriously, I'm over shame. Lately I've had a bit of a backslide in my thinking, and I just needed a bit of time to work things out in my head. I get about a 33/33/33 split of awesome emails from cool people, foreign or one-line emails, and then pure hate mail. I have had issues with stalkers even before I started showing my face online, I don't want to get into it but I generally read my hate mail in case theres details in there that could harm me. In the last week I've been clearing out my inbox, getting to the last 5 months of E-mails, and I've read quite a bit of hate. I guess I could blame the season, seeing all the normality, being around my hometown, all that, but for just a minute I felt like I was really doing something wrong.

I know my love of diapers and ageplay has nothing to do with actual children, I know that when I buy diapers or baby stuff I look like a mom not a fetishist, I know that it's deeper than a way to get off. I've described it as a lifestyle choice or a personal underwear choice, I've been afraid to use the word fetish, but get over it Riley! Diapers turn me on, and a fetish is simply an attraction towards an inanimate object. I don't masturbate in my diapers generally, thats something I trained out of me at a pretty young age, but I can't help getting an erection in diapers... a fellow transgirl once said that it wasn't her penis she had a problem with, it's when it pops up inconveniently. My love of diapers and my gender alignment are linked, and I do look forward to the day when I can wear and wet with more appropriate anatomy. Being trans is much deeper than any sexual thing, as is diapers, but theres also quite a bit of sexual attraction there, dressing up cute, panties and all that, they are lovely and do get me quite excited. I've worried about using the "F" word because of the connotation that whatever objects you fetishize are required to have a sexual encounter, and that something like transgender is a fetish in people eyes.

And that's the conclusion I've been looking for. 

I need to stop assuming what people think. I need to stop believing so strongly in labels, they are a way to attach yourself to a concept, and most peoples perceptions of said concept are totally different. Haters are going to hate, I am always going to face adversity and there will always be moments where I question myself. A very smart man once told me that "reconsidering a choice should take as much thought as your initial decision", and with that in mind, binge and purge, shame and regret on my diapers and gender should  be fleeting thoughts, I made a big decision to be Riley Kilo, cute little diaper girl, and I'm going to love it and live with it. The last 4 years of doing this site has been pretty intense, and with my hormones and current adventurous situation its only going to get more fun to read and live, and I want to be long in my years and still getting down with the diaper scene, still fighting for gender rights, which I hope to see in my lifetime, and still knowing I've spent my life doing what I know was right. 

More postyness soon! I am working my way through emails, but I still have a few months left to go. Upcoming posts will include the return of the footy sleeper fashion show, plastic pants and chastity devices, underjams and dynamic diaper covers and dynamic diaper companies, lots more!!! seeya soon!