weak

Here I am, back in front of a computer. Wrapped up in a blankie, asagio/spinach crackers in one bowl, chicken soup and shittake mushrooms in the other, I've got a nasty little cold, I think yesterday was the worst of it though. There's really no comfortable position to type where I am, so don't expect too lengthy of a post, my wrists are killing me. I also want to apologize for being vague, much of what I've experienced is written down in notebooks, It will come out, in posts, maybe a book someday, but for now, I don't know where to begin, so lets start with my feet. My ankle is feeling better, I haven't really abused it lately due to getting a better idea of the BART system.  I've been keeping very busy, living couch to couch, I've done some stripping, some migrant farm work, some video stuff, helped some random people move, got a couple driving jobs, its been intense, scattered, there's been some scary situations, some risks, I've found my self in situations I at one point swore I would never put myself in again, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. All this stuff, the good and the bad, is hopefully culminating into a better Riley.

I want to help others to avoid this situation, living like this is pretty brutal. That's what this whole sites about I guess, I want to be a positive example, I was lamenting to a friend that I didn't want to be a part of the negative stereotype for my community, empty, alone and on the streets, some ridiculously high percentage of transpeople are or have been homeless... my friend, a Female to Male person who has been homeless, whose couch I am currently sitting on, he responded to my negativity with hope...

"Now you have this experience as a point of reference, it's essential in helping people out of this situation, you don't just understand or sympathize, you've lived it"

That alone makes me feel much better, compassion is earned in many ways. It's amazing how many of the people around me share the utter and complete faith that  I will overcome this and any situation I am presented with. With that kind of support system, with the love of my friends who have seen my struggles and triumphs firsthand, my best and worse, they've opened their hearts and homes to me. I also feel the support and appreciation of a community of people who follow this site, I'll never feel alone knowing this, I hope I can return those feelings to our world.

I'll be posting some pictures, doing a touch more writing before the end of today, so I hope you look forward to it. I haven't gotten to many peoples emails, there's some really awesome folks out there that i've been totally ignoring, I'm sorry! And again, I have less an less time these days, so if your message is poorly written, I'm just tossing it in the trash, write something structured and thoughtful... If you need to know something, google it first! And please, stop it with the harassment about charging for private videos, my paypal sees little action these days, unfortunately its when I really need it. Producing more content is somewhat difficult, and adult content is not yet a profitable business for me, but it will be, I just don't have the resources at the moment.I'm out there meeting people, discovering new things, If I had the time and place to do a site it would be successful, I couldn't say that before. One big thing I've learned, is that friends are sometimes the best resource.

A few nights ago, I had what was probably the second best meal of my life, prepared by a good friend. The next morning I had my Unemployment Appeal, more details later, lies and hearsay and no evidence of anything, I finally learned why I was fired, and it's a very weak reason. I'm just hoping the judge doesn't have any issues with girls like me, it's his job to ignore those feelings if he has them. All things considered, I think I've got it, I just have to wait another 3-4 weeks until I find out. Until then I'll be out gathering more resources, to quote John Darnielle, "an astronaut could see from space the hunger in my eyes", I've got a full belly of food, but I'm hungry for progress, to make my success, hungry for equal rights, hungry to get my message out, whatever that may be. I have advantages that many don't have, I am full among the starving, a fire in the rain, hope among hopeless, there really are people in the streets that are making things better for the lowest common denominator, trying to overcome the darkest despair. I want to use what skills and resources I have and work to prevent people having to go through the experiences I have, but first, I have to get Riley back to good.

More stuff soon, below is a picture of me in my old room, the black walls are now white, I so wished they would be again, just further proof that the world is constantly in flux, life can and will get better! <3